Xenomelia: Profile of a man with intense desire to amputate a healthy limb

Although his parents were not particularly wealthy, they sent him to a private Christian school for most of his childhood. Mr. H admits that while there he didn’t fit in and felt like an outcast, in part because he didn’t come from the level of wealth of his classmates, and because having ADHD left him isolative and avoidant. “I was always the one going away to take medication,” he explains, and he also developed a hostile attitude. He was suspended from school multiple times for fighting. These years left him tremendously anxious and depressed, and he would often find it therapeutic to sit with his left leg bent underneath him, so as to hide its undesired portion. It was common for him to tie his leg up and stare at himself in the mirror for minutes to hours as a form of stress reduction.

Most of Mr. H’s social circle is composed of friends he has known since childhood, none of whom are aware of his condition. He acknowledges that his feelings are “bizarre in nature” and so he has kept this secret on a “need-to-know” basis out of “fear of rejection, mockery, and damage to my reputation.” Through the years, he has sought out and encountered others with this condition, first anonymously on the internet, then in-person once he gets to know and trust them. He claims to know and be friendly with several people with xenomelia in his own city, some of whom have undergone amputation and are extremely happy with the results. According to Mr. H, there is a community aspect to xenomelia in his city, and people with the condition often meet each other socially. He has revealed his secret to 2 women he dated, including his present wife, who he told 3 years into their relationship. “I was prepared for her to leave me,” he recalls. Although he has never connected the desire for amputation with sexuality, he certainly believes that amputating his left leg would enhance his sex life. “Do I find amputees sexy?” he asks, “I would say yes.” On a 10-point scale, he considers his sex life to be a “7 or 8,” and it would reach 10 if he underwent amputation.

Mr. H has a calendar on which he keeps track of the days when he feels “impaired” by his xenomelia. He marks each day as either “red” or “green.” So far, he does not recognize a pattern of exacerbation. “I have my good days, then I have my bad days,” he laments. “On good days, I think about amputation and where my leg should actually end, but it is something I can quickly push off. On my bad days, I am constantly reminded in one way or another that, yes, I have this limb that should not be.” While he has never sought treatment for this condition from a health care professional, he developed his own therapeutic regimen that includes yoga, hiking, and daily use of cannabis, which “helps take the edge off.” He used alcohol in the past as self-medication, but stopped drinking to excess when it started to disrupt other aspects of his life. According to Mr. H, the goal is to distract himself from the condition, which provides temporary relief. “I find if my mind is more engaged, the amputation thoughts are fewer and less in intensity.” He reports that the months leading up to his wedding were particularly therapeutic because wedding planning provided an excellent distraction.

Overall, his current desire for amputation is steadily increasing. “Lately it has become more of a roller coaster,” he says. “If there’s a safe way to do it, I’ll do it.” An amputation would allow him to “feel good, complete, grounded, and content.” If he were to undergo amputation, he would use a prosthetic in order to retain mobility and keep his physique as discreet as possible. He has made initial inquiries into getting an amputation, saying, “I have heard of rumors of surgeons willing to perform the surgery, for a price. However, I have not completed the ‘vetting process’ to actually come into contact with the surgeons themselves.” Similar to others with xenomelia, he is easily able to draw a line on his leg, exactly where the desired amputation should occur.⁸ For most of his life, that line would have been 2 inches above his knee, but in recent years, the line has drifted lower, to 2 inches below the knee. However, he “wouldn’t mind either” line of amputation. He indicates the area below the desired line is less sensitive to pain than the corresponding part of his right leg, particularly his toes.

Mr. H’s wife is extremely supportive and understanding of her husband’s condition, but is opposed to the possibility of amputation (Box).

Box
Xenomelia: A spouse's perspective

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